What is mum guilt and how to overcome it
Mum guilt is something that all mums experience at some point. To help you to deal with these feelings when they arise, here is some information on what mum guilt is, what causes it, and how to overcome it.
What is mum guilt?
Mum guilt is the feeling of worry, regret, or any other negative feeling that mums have when parenting their children.
Mum guilt often stems from the “shoulds” of motherhood, where mums feel they should be doing something a certain way, based upon unrealistic ideas of what a perfect mum is.
Causes of mum guilt
Here are just a few of the causes of mum guilt:
- Comparing yourself to others
- Having different parenting styles to others
- Longing for a life outside of motherhood
- Feeling like you work too much, or not enough
- Unsolicited advice that makes you feel bad
- Wishing your children were older
- Thinking your kids have too much screen time
- Feeling like you don’t spend quality time with your kids
- Regularly loosing your temper
How to overcome mum guilt
Here are some ways to overcome mum guilt when you’re going through it, or when you feel it about to happen.
Work out your triggers
Working out what triggers your mum guilt can help you to overcome it, and even avoid situations where the trigger is present.
One way that you can work out your mum guilt triggers is by starting a mum journal, or using your phone notes app, or a notebook to write down what triggered a recent mum guilt feeling.
Doing this allows you to identify your triggers, so you can work on avoiding them, or decreasing the level of guilt they produce.
Lower your expectations
Lowering your expectations on things like your children’s behaviour, home tidiness, how much you can get done, or anything else that you have high expectations for, but just can’t achieve at the moment, can help to overcome mum guilt.
It’s impossible to meet all the expectations set by society and ourselves, so lowering them, and then raising them later when you can, goes a long way to dealing with mum guilt.
Take a social media break
Despite knowing that social media is a highlight reel, it’s so easy to compare our stage of motherhood, or our children, to others.
Comparing in this way can make us feel guilty that we’re not doing the same things as others, or that we’re not doing things the right way.
If social media is starting to make you feel bad about yourself, or your parenting skills, or you’re starting to feel pressure to do things in a way that you don’t feel comfortable with, take a break from social media, and instead focus on doing what works for you and your family.
Give yourself compassion
As mums we can be hard on ourselves, and talk to ourselves in ways we would never talk to others.
During times of mum guilt give yourself compassion.
Tell yourself that what you’re feeling isn’t a reflection of your parenting skills, or the type of person you are, and that we all have bad days.
Prioritise yourself
Making time for self-care is advice that mums are given a lot, and when we’re given it, we find all sorts of excuses to not find the time for it.
However, it’s really important that we make time for it.
Prioritising yourself by finding self-care activities that make you happy, helps to recharge your batteries, and most importantly reminds you that your needs are just as important as everyone else’s.
Ask yourself if needs are being met
There are many times mums feel guilty because they think they’re not meeting their children’s needs.
However, asking yourself if there are any needs that actually need to be met, can stop feelings of mum guilt before they happen.
An example of this includes feeling guilty for not playing with your children, but if your children are playing independently or together, then you don’t need to feel guilty because they don’t actually need you to play with them.
Looking to see if your children need what you feel guilty about before meeting their needs, can help you to minimise the levels of guilt you feel.
Surround yourself with positive people
If there’s anyone in your life that makes you feel bad, judges your parenting, or that drains you after you spend time with them, lessen the amount time you spend with them.
Instead, spend time with positive people who support you, don’t judge your parenting, and who make you feel good about yourself.
Take a break
Taking a break helps to reset your mood, and go back into your mum life feeling more positive.
Taking a break could mean asking for help from your partner, friends, family, or hiring a babysitter, so you can get some much needed downtime.
Seek professional help
If you’re worried about how much your mum guilt is affecting your physical or mental health, anxiety, self worth, or even sleep, then it’s worth seeking professional help.
Professional help could be resources such as your GP, Health Visitor, or a counsellor.
Conclusion
Mum guilt is a normal part of motherhood, and can happen for a variety of reasons, at any time.
If mum guilt is something that you’re feeling, there are some things that you can do to help you overcome it.
These include working out your mum guilt triggers, lowering your expectations, taking a social media break, giving yourself compassion in the same way you give others, and doing things you love as often as you can.
You can also make sure your children’s needs are met before you take time to meet them, spend time with people who make you feel good, take a break, or if mum guilt is impacting you more than it should, seek professional help.
Are there ways to overcome mum guilt that work for you?
