Last Updated on April 10, 2024

It’s really hard when a child prefers one parent over the other. The parent that the child prefers can very quickly feel burnt out, and resentful that they’re doing the bulk of the parenting.

It’s not fun for the non preferred parent either, as their feelings can be hurt when their child tells them they’re not wanted.

In my household I’m the preferred parent, my five year old Ryan comes to me first for everything, instead of his dad Nick.

We’ve even heard him say many times that he loves daddy, but he loves mummy more, or that he hates daddy, which is hurtful.

For me, and for many others in this situation, it means that certain things are near impossible to get done if the non preferred parent tries to do them, and the result is tears and major meltdowns, which means that the preferred parent is left doing yet another thing.

Whilst it’s not easy, having a child who prefers one parent over the other is part of a child’s development, and whatever the reason for a child’s preference of parent, feelings can be hurt, and it can be hard to accept.

There are some things that you can do to get through this stage of your child’s development, and help them to understand that both parents are capable of meeting their needs, which means one parent is not better than the other.

Here are some things you can try when a child prefers one parent over the other, if this is an issue that you’re currently facing.

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EMPHASISE WITH YOUR CHILD

Trying to get your child to understand why they can’t prefer one parent over the other, or trying to get them to change their mind, will most likely end in a meltdown.

To avoid this, emphasise with your child by telling them that you understand that they want the other parent, but explain to them why the other parent can’t do what they need them to do, and that you love them as well and want to help them too.

EASE YOURSELF INTO THE SITUATION

If you’re the  non preferred parent, then try easing yourself into the situation that you and the other parent would like to work on.

For example, Ryan doesn’t want Nick to have any part of bedtime, when he tries meltdowns happen.

Instead of getting Nick to do it all at once so Ryan just has to deal with it, we’ve started getting Nick to do the first small part of our bedtime routine, which is brushing teeth and going to the toilet.

After some time we’ll get Nick to add reading one book to this, then after more time another book, then another, which is the whole bedtime routine.

It will take awhile but this way we’re slowly changing the parent who does this part of parenting, so the parenting duties are more shared and Ryan gets used to Nick doing his bedtime, instead of preferring me to do it all of the time.

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TAKE IN TURNS BEING THE FUN PARENT

Ryan very often seeks out his dad for playtime, as when he asks me I’m often doing something household related.

Overtime this has meant that Ryan associates me with anything non-play, leading to the problem where I do everything non fun parent related, such as bedtime mentioned above.

Taking in turns to be the fun parent, so your child can see that both parents have fun and both parents do the non-fun things, can help your child to not associate just one parent with certain situations.

HAVE THE NON PREFERRED PARENT GET INVOLVED FROM THE START

As mums we tend to not ask for help, and sometimes feel we can’t especially when our children are babies.

It can be easier for us to do feeds, especially if breastfeeding, which means bedtimes and middle of the night wakings are up to us.

Doing everything ourselves can set the trend for what our children think is right later on.

If they know that mum always puts them to bed, then this is what they’ll think is normal, and they won’t want the other parent to do it because it disrupts what they’ve always known.

To overcome this, and something that I’m now doing with my second child, is to get dad involved in things that they wouldn’t normally as early as they can, so your baby gets used to both parents doing things.

For example, take in turns with bath time, if you bottle feed your baby, have dad do it at least once a day.

Doing this means your baby won’t associate just one parent with doing something, so they’ll be more open to both parents doing the same thing as they get older, reducing the need for a preferred parent to do it.

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MAKE SURE YOU’RE BOTH ON THE SAME PAGE

This can be hard, it’s hard to be on the same page with parenting choices and discipline when one parent is preferred over the other, or one parent does things differently to the other.

The more you handle things the same way, the harder it will be for your child to get their way with any particular parent, making it hard for them to choose who they prefer in one situation compared to another.

Discuss how to handle things with your partner, and make sure you’re on the same page with everything so you can work together to dissolve tantrums in the same way.

ALWAYS SUPPORT THE NON PREFERRED PARENT

Always support the non preferred parent when a child prefers one parent over the other. This means letting the non preferred parent handle a situation where they’re not wanted.

This can be really tough to do, it’s hard not to step in and just get done what needs to get done so there’s peace. But the only way your child will accept both parents to help them in certain situations is if the non preferred parent is able to help them.

Trust that the non preferred parent can help your child when they are demanding the preferred parent, and if you need to, emphasise with your child and reassure them that the other parent is here to help them, as they love them too.

TALK THE OTHER PARENT UP

Whenever you’re with your child without the other parent, talk to them about what the other parent is good at, how much fun they have when they’re together, and any other encouraging things you can say so your child knows how great and fun they are.

You can even ask your child to tell you what they love about the other parent so they can start to have positive associations with each parent.

DISCUSS FEELINGS WITH YOUR PARTNER AND DIVIDE TASKS

It can be frustrating being the preferred parent, as you can feel like you’re doing it all, whilst the non preferred parent may have hurt feelings and feel as though their child doesn’t love them.

Whichever parent you are, discuss your feelings with your partner and come to an agreement on when the non preferred parent can spend some quality time with your child, so they can build a bond, and the preferred parent can get a break.

During your discussions also come to an agreement for how tasks will be divided, so each parent does things with your child.

This could mean working out which days each parent will do things like bath time or bedtime, and then letting your child know who will do it in advance, so it’s not a surprise for them.

REMEMBER IT’S NOT PERSONAL

When in the middle of a meltdown, or when you’ve had enough of being the non preferred or even preferred parent, remember that this is a developmental stage and it will eventually pass.

I know this is easier said than done, I’ve been the preferred parent for what feels like years.

During Ryan’s biggest meltdowns for not wanting Nick to do something, I take many deep breaths and tell myself that one day Nick will be Ryan’s preferred parent, and I’ll just wish for some Ryan time.

When a child prefers one parent over the other it’s not personal, mostly children prefer one parent over the other because one parent meets their needs at a particular time better than the other parent.

For instance, Ryan’s bedtime preference for me is most likely because I read him three books, sing songs, and then hold his hand until he falls asleep, whereas Nick only reads one book then walks out.

However, when building blocks, Ryan prefers Nick because Nick encourages him to build better things than I do, and he likes Nick’s way of building better.

Whilst it feels like it will never happen, there will be a day when you’re no longer the preferred parent, and they’ll be a day when your child is so independent that you’ll just wish for some neediness to come back.

Are you the preferred or non preferred parent in your household?
I’d love to hear about your experiences in the comments section below.