Ryan is only in year one, and already I feel like I’ve learnt quite a bit about being a school mum, especially when it comes to child friendship issues.

There are the good things, like how well the majority of children and mums get along, watching Ryan learn things I never thought he’d be ready for, and a couple of friendships I’ve developed with mums who are on the same wavelength as I am.

However, there are also the not so good things, like the friendships that form between some mums and teachers that influence how children are treated, the amount of discussion that comes up in the class WhatsApp group, and more recently, that not all mums will help you to resolve child friendship issues.

Last year Ryan developed a close friendship with another child, and to keep their friendship going, we spent time with the child and his mum during school holidays.

I quickly noticed that the other child was very rough, rude, and taught Ryan words that I didn’t want Ryan exposed to.

However, I continued letting Ryan spend time with this child because it meant a lot to him.

Now one year into their friendship, Ryan has decided that he’d like to make some more friends, and has been telling me that at lunchtime he tries to talk to other children, but his friend keeps following him and stopping him from doing so.

I didn’t think too much of this, until I saw what Ryan meant when we were at a bowling party that his friend was also at.

The party went for 2.5 hours, and the entire time Ryan’s friend followed Ryan everywhere, and hit, pushed, and snatched things off him. He even on a couple of occasions threw his body onto Ryan.

It got so bad at one point that I had to physically restrain them both, and tell the other child to go to his mum, who was nowhere to be seen when all of this was happening.

I was furious at the end of the night. It was the most stressful 2.5 hours I’ve ever had as a mum, and the angriest I’ve been with how Ryan was treated, and also angry at seeing Ryan react the way he did, which was to fight back, which is something I talk to him about not doing at home.

The next day I messaged the other mum, suggesting a way we could resolve the child friendship issues that I witnessed. I thought that our prior relationship would have made this easier, but I was wrong.

I told her that what I witnessed at the party was unacceptable behaviour between two friends, not putting the blame on any child just stating it as fact, and then asking if she could talk to her son and ask him to play with other friends for a little while, and I’d do the same with Ryan.

She didn’t acknowledge anything that happened at the party, or agree to the suggestion.

Instead, she had someone else write me a long reply, which she forwarded to me, saying that she won’t tell her son to play with other friends because it will cause awkwardness between her son and Ryan, and she doesn’t want to alter how her child behaves with others.

On the Monday at school I saw her talking to the teacher, which made me even more frustrated because she wasn’t willing to talk about anything with me. Seeing as she had no idea what happened at the party, I wondered what she was saying.

What have I learnt from this?

I’ve learnt some things from this experience of trying to resolve child friendship issues with another mum, which I want to remember if this happens again with the same child, or another one.

The lessons are:

Every mum handles child friendship issues in their own way, and for some, that means doing nothing.

No matter how hard you try, there are some mums that will take issues you raise personally, and when it comes to child friendship issues, or any issue for that matter, some mums won’t do anything to help you resolve it.

Remembering this, and remembering that there’s nothing you can do to change the other mums reactions, can help to lessen the frustration that may be felt towards them, and the situation.

Don’t encourage friendships you don’t feel comfortable with.

I never felt comfortable with this friendship, but I encouraged it because it meant a lot to Ryan.

From now on, I won’t be encouraging friendships, if it’s a friendship that I’m not comfortable with.

Similarly, if I don’t like the way Ryan treats another child, or how he reacts to something another child does, I won’t be encouraging this type of friendship outside of school either.

I can control what happens at home.

Teachers can’t be everywhere. They can’t control what happens at school if they don’t see it, but I can control what happens at home.

I can control what I teach Ryan about how to treat others, and I can control who he plays with outside of school, which I will continue to focus on.

You can’t make parenting choices to make strangers happy.

This is a quote I recently saw on Instagram, and one that I feel really applies here.

Each time Ryan played with this child outside of school I let Ryan behave and talk in ways that I would never let him behave or talk at home.

I did this because I didn’t want the other mum to think I was reprimanding Ryan for the same things her son did, which I felt may have made her feel awkward or bad.

I even let Ryan have a playdate at this child’s house without me, even though I was uncomfortable about it, just to make the other mum see that I trusted her.

I made parenting choices to make a stranger, the other mum, happy, which I won’t be doing again.

I will no longer change how I parent just to make someone else comfortable with how they parent, or to avoid awkwardness.

I need to continue to parent the way that I want to, despite what anyone thinks, and above all so my parenting is consistent for Ryan and he always understands how he can behave, no matter where he is.

Both of the boys are only 5 years old. The child friendship issues they’ll face as they get older will get larger, so I need to remember these lessons and apply them again if needed.

As a mum I need to make sure that Ryan feels safe at school and at home, and guide him in ways that allow this to happen, without feeling frustrated that other mums don’t do these things the same way as I do.

Have you had to handle child friendship issues before?